Times Are Tough, But They Are Never Better!

Less than one week after our divorce was final, he was fired from his job.  Naturally, it was my fault.  My fault because he hit me, and my fault because he lost his job, over a year after I left him.  Little does he know, he no longer has that hold over me.  He lost his job because he STILL cannot accept responsibility for his own actions, proof still that I made the right choice in leaving. 

 

I hear, "You know its not fair that I have to pay $xxx.xx a week in child support"  my response to that..."what is not FAIR is that he went MONTHS, without giving me a penny, repossessed the car when I left you, drained the bank accounts when I refused to come back home, and do I dare mention mentally and physically abused me for years?"  I think justice is finally being served!

 

Hear this, however, times are tough, I struggle, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily.  It is difficult to want to do so much for my kids and not be able to because financially I am still, drained.  I want them to have so much, and sometimes it is a struggle just to pay the rent, but we are happy.  We have joy in our house, and we never have to worry about our safety, or if we will be awakened in the middle of the night by things being thrown and broken.  I would trade a financial worry over that worry any day of the week.  I say that now, but I know when I was living it, I let that financial hold keep me in the situation.  I let the fact that he had all the money keep me there.  I let the fact that I did not think my family would help me hold me back.  I let the police tell me that if I left and went to a shelter it would look favorable for him to get custody of my child.  Finally I had enough, and my family and friend stepped up and helped me. 

 

Just when you think there are not resources out there, or your family or friends don't have room or care enough to help you, think again.  They are out there, where you least expect them, when you least expect them.  I have made some amazing connections out of this, and formed some even better friendships. 

 

I truly believe, if I would have stayed, I may not be alive today.  The thought of never being able to touch my children again gives me shivers. 

There Has To Be A Way To Help

I think A LOT!

 

Thoughts swirl through my mind so often, they wake me at night and I can't fall back asleep, but my BIG thinking spot has always been the shower.  Maybe it's the sound of the water, or the comfort of the heat, but I could stay in there for hours and just think. So naturally while showering last night, I got to thinking, a lot of thoughts were random, but I have one major topic to discuss today, Helping Others.

 

My ex (GOD it feels good to call him that) is still "paying" for what he did to me, I believe that he still believes all he did that morning was break my cell phone.  I think that he has tricked his mind into believing that he truly did not hit me, but in his heart, he knows, and he will always know.  I pray one day he will be man enough to admit it, and then HIS true path to recovery can begin, but not until then.  Believe me I KNOW I am not perfect, I said some hurtful things to him, some things I wish I could take back.  It is crazy how abusers become perfectionists in the area of reverse psychology, making us believe that some how, some way, if I did not say that one thing the way I said it, if I did not do that one thing the way I did it, then HE never would have had to say the derogatory things he said or hit me.  At some point, I became stronger than him, in so many ways, and that is when I was able to say enough is enough.

 

Yesterday I got a call from the Victim Advocate in the county where he is serving his probation, taking classes, or whatever it is he has to do to "redeem" himself for "breaking my phone".  She asked how I was doing, and I actually had a little time to reflect back over the past year and a half.  If you would have asked me then, would I be here now, divorced, single mother, struggling, but HAPPY, I would have never imagined it.  I am happier now than I have been in, well maybe ever.  We struggle week to week, I still have not taken Brea shopping for school clothes yet because I just don't have the extra money right now, but I will take THESE struggles, over THOSE struggles any day.

 

So my point today is this, if I have come this far, anyone can, and this blog is just the tip of the iceberg for me, I got to thinking after talking with the Victim Advocate that there has to be a way I can reach out farther, because I still have so many stories to share, and share them I will, here, there and everywhere I can.  I think it is time for me to do some research, I feel like I need to help, I wish I could help by taking everyone in and helping them, and maybe one day I can have a safe house, that would be amazing, but for now, I need to share my story.

 

It Still Haunts Me

The signing of the papers was quick, so quick in fact I did not even make it into the court room.  In and out of the court house in like 25 minutes.  If only the whole divorce process was so quick maybe I would not have pulled half my hair out.  So I am officially divorced, I can move on, or attempt to. 

The pain haunts me and I hate it.  It is affecting me still in ways I wish it would not.  I had nightmares for days after our final court date.  I fear he will find me and break into my house and hurt me while I sleep.  And the physical pain hurts still, when it rains I can feel it in my ribs where he hit me, it aches like it did for weeks after and I had to hide the pain from my family.  It reminds me of the torment I was put through and I hate him for that.

I am so happy all that is behind me, I am in a much better place, I am so much happier now and it is invigorating to have my independence back and to be able to get ready for work in the morning and not be accused of being a whore or cheating because I am putting make up on.

I actually LOVE MY LIFE!!!

5 More Days of Being Married....

I have lived the darkest of days, actually been fearful and flinched in fear of the man I loved and devoted my life too.  It is a dreadful, soul stealing feeling.  Putting it into words for someone that has never experienced it is impossible.  I lied for him, when I look back now, I have no idea why, maybe I thought it would change, maybe it was because I saw the good person on the good days, but really it is because I am the person that always wants to help.  I take on the burden of every one's problems and tries to fix them, that is just who I am.  I make friends easy, I like everyone, I will give until I have nothing left to give. 

 

A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with my Dad and he still had no idea that my husband abused me like he did and even still I don't think he realizes the severity of the situation I was in.  I think if he did he may go crazy.  I am so thankful that I was able to confide in my sister, my mother and my friends, especially Andrea through all of this or I would have been so lost.  I cannot do or say enough to thank them for their continued support.

 

Next week I face him for the final time, I regain my TRUE independence from him.  I will no longer carry his name, however I will always carry the memory of the pain.  I am so much stronger now, I am so much happier now and I am so thankful for the people that have come into my life because of the choices I have made.

I am better off without you....CONFIRMED!!

This week has again been just "off" for me. Starting to get back into dating to put it into one word...SUCKS. I have had many nights where I have laid in bed and cried myself to sleep because I am scared and I am pissed off, but mostly because I am hurt and lonely. But I refuse to allow that feeling of loneliness allow me to settle, which is hard sometimes. Especially when you look at someone, or you are with them and everything fits together, but the time and effort is just not there, its dis-heartening. But I have changed a lot from this, I have grown so much and I know that even though its hard and it is lonely I will be okay, and someone will love me as much as I will love them, when the time is right.

Saturday I went to a Sportsman's Raffle for the Shriner's (normally a mans thing), but again, being single and just getting into the dating thing, I went alone (well with family), and had a blast!  However, two things happened, one prior to the event and one while I was there.  On the way to the event I drove by Jim and my heart stopped, literally STOPPED.  I can't say for sure if he saw me, but I saw him, it was awful, just awful.  A few hours later a very good friend of my parents approached me and said that they have never seen me happier or look better.  We proceeded to have quite a lengthy conversation about how my sister was never a fan of his and I should have listened (I know now), and that they are so happy I got out.  They also said that they thought he brought me down, they saw the weight I carried (from his constant abuse).  That conversation was so enlightening, it meant so much to me.  It is the little things like that that make me realize I am doing the right thing.  Yes, I KNOW, I am doing the right thing, but knowing that other people see that I am growing into a stronger, healthier person means a lot.

This road has not been the easiest, I have definitely taken the long hard road, and at times I think I still continue to take the bumpier route, it is just who I am.  It does not mean I will ever let myself or my kids become un-loved ever again.  I am happier now than I have been in a long time, and I know eventually my happiness will be shared with someone who deserves me.

Happy Anniversary

It was a weird week.  Saturday I met up with an old friend I have known since High School. We had it all planned out ahead of time, her boyfriend was going to bring her to my house and she was going to spend the night and she was going to get picked up Sunday morning.  Well Saturday evening she called me bawling her eyes out that he left her and the kids stranded, literally in the middle of the road, no car, nothing.  So many emotions came flowing back to me. 

 

Not to long after I found out I was pregnant with Christian, Jim left me and Breauna in the bitter cold at Kensington Park, at night to walk home.  It took us about 4 or 5 hours along 2 lane roads, knee deep in snow (no joke).  At one point a couple even stopped and offered to pick us up because they said they almost hit us because they could not see us on the side of the road.  I just remember how cold our feet were, and my stomach was so crampy I was so scared I was going to lose the baby. 

 

All those feelings of being stranded came rushing back to me, so I went and got her and those kids and I made them pack their stuff and come stay at my house.  I remember what it was like when the electricity was about to be shut off because "extra curricular" things were more important.  The cable was shut off because it was "his" money and I was just waiting for the landlord to come knocking on the door with the eviction notice, it was such an un-nerving feeling.  I knew that it would throw other plans I had on Sunday off, but I could not help it I have an amazing support system and I could not let her sit there and cry like that, she has to know there is always a way out.  I let the fact that there was only one car hold me back, I let him tell me I was a bitch and a cunt and no one would ever love me. 

 

So, today is what would have been my wedding anniversary, but you know what's so funny, we never really celebrated it and that pissed me off so bad.  I wanted to go out to dinner or go away for the weekend, I wanted to celebrate "us", and not once did we ever do it.  So really this "anniversary" is no different than any of the other ones. 

 

The night we got married was a joke, 200 people came and went and the night ended in disaster with him treating me like complete crap in front of EVERYONE including my family & closest friends.  It was such an embarrassment the way he screamed at me in front of everyone.

 

Ironically, I found out today that on August 31st we sign our divorce papers, I will be officially single again, as long as he shows up for this court date.  It is bitter-sweet, the light is finally visible, but the battle is not over.  The fear still looms, there is a PPO still in place and I still fear every day that he will get the revenge he has promised.  However, I will not let that fear determine how I live my life, I will continue to help my friends when they need me so they can see there is a way out, I will show my kids that we deserve nothing but the best life has to offer, not materialistically, but in love and honor and respect.  We will encounter more bumps, there will be more tears and hard times ahead, but we will overcome them and come out the other side stronger than before.

The Secrets Were Plentiful

I don't remember exactly at what point things changed so drastically that we were literally walking on egg shells around the house.  I was a stay at home mom (my dream), he was working (A LOT).  If I would take the kids out to do stuff while he slept during the day, or while he worked on the weekends, I was a bitch, or a cunt or a terrible wife.  I remember thinking to myself how can someone who claims to love me so much call me these names, over and over again?  But I accepted apology after apology.

There were times I would take Breauna out to eat and I would have to tell her not to tell Dad because he would get mad and it would break my heart to have to have her lie to him, but it was the only way I could keep the peace, and still do little things with Breauna.  She knew why too, she would always ask me why Dad would not let us go to the movies together, or why we couldn't go shopping together, just little things that we should have been able to do.

It started effecting her health, to the point she had to have medical procedures, so serious they had to put her to sleep and put tubes down her throat and now I believe it was all the stress of my marriage.  The abuse we were enduring was putting this stress on my baby to the point she was making herself sick, it breaks my heart.  There is still a chance it is something else, but her flare ups are few are far between since we left that situation. 

Today I learned that Austin learned how to ride his two wheeler.  It is probably one of the first real milestones he has reached without me by his side since he was 2 years old, and it breaks my heart that I missed it.  I have been chocking back tears all day.  He is my baby and that situation was as difficult on him as it was the rest of us and if I could have taken him with me I would have in a second.  I close my eyes every night and imagine my arms wrapped around him, his smell, and those big brown eyes that will turn that "No" into "Yes" in a heartbeat.  He called me Mom all these years and even the last "secret" meet up I had with him where his "real" mom brought him to see me, he begged her to let him come back and live with me.  All I can do is hope and pray that he grows up knowing how to treat a woman, and that this woman, his Mom, loves him with all her heart and soul.  Whether I carried him for 9 months or not, he is still my baby.

The Hardest Letter I Ever Had To Write

I had to write this letter at his sentencing for domestic violence against me, I think about this letter often, I think about that night often.  It is a night that will haunt me forever I think.  I still look over my shoulder, I am still scared to turn my back, he has assured me the law will not protect me from him.  When I shower, I jump when I hear a noise outside, I hate that he has this grip over me.

Dear Judge:

This letter is the hardest letter I have ever had to write in my life.  It has taken me days to get up the nerve to begin to write it, I have no clue where to even begin.  This whole situation has become such a mess, as I am sure they often do, that even the mere thought of going through the process of court, separation and divorce is exhausting beyond belief.

 I will start by saying that even though my husband believes I want him to go to jail, or I have I have ill intentions for him, that is not the case.  He also believes that I want to peg him as an abuser and a drug addict, when truly I just want him to get the help he so desperately needs.  I believe deep down in my heart that he has an addiction problem, not just to one thing or another; he just has an addictive personality.  He is not afraid to try anything or face anyone; he exhibits no fear of anyone or anything, no matter what the consequences. 

A couple years ago, I required a surgery on my sinuses.  I was prescribed pain medicine to help me through the first couple weeks of recovery.  About 3 days post-op I noticed my whole bottle of pills was missing, and I had only taken a couple pills at that point.  I was required to go through the rest of my recovery without any pain medicine.  James admitted to me that he had taken the bottle of pills, I was a little alarmed, but I had never experienced anything like this and since it was the first time and he said it would never happen again I let it go.

Over the past couple years he has required two surgeries that have required him to be on pain medicine for an extensive period of time.  The first surgery was just before we got married in 2008 and when he realized he was becoming addicted to the pain medicine he let the doctor know to stop prescribing it to him.  Over the past year and a half he has had major problems with his back so the doctors started prescribing him Vicodin about a year ago to help with the pain.  This past April he had back surgery and it was a great decision, however the doctors continued to prescribe him Vicodin.  His addiction has gotten so severe that he will take a 90 day prescription in less than 2 weeks, and when that runs out he buys them from people.  The cost of his addiction has cost us to have utilities shut off and our vehicle repossessed, not to mention the effects it has had on his moods.

The incident in June was the worst fight we have ever gotten into.  The fact that he had no regard for my safety or our children’s safety is a clear indication of the seriousness of the situation and the intensity of his anger.  The fear in our babies cry that night is a sound I will never ever forget.  I was holding him the whole time we struggled over my cell phone, and when he took and broke it and I yelled for my daughter to wake up to go get help. He became even more enraged and punched me in the ribs.  This is the first time I am mentioning that he hit me that night, and I understand it is water under the bridge at this point. I still felt I had to protect him and me from him when I filed the police report.  Now that I look back, I cannot believe that he had no regard for hurting me like that or hurting our child while I was holding him, or that it took me this long to face the reality of how serious this whole situation is.  I had to hide the pain from that punch for weeks, but the sound of our sons cry is a sound that will haunt me forever, to this day I have never heard him cry like he did that night.

We tried to go to counseling, but it did not work for us.  The anger my husband has inside is something that I cannot contend with, nor will I allow my children to be raised around.  Our counselor has stated she believes there may be an underlying undiagnosed mental illness that along with the addiction issues is fueling the anger and his depression.  Our primary doctor has prescribed him depression medication, but he refuses to take it. 

Since I have left with our children he refuses to help me financially.  He says if I come home he will help me, but coming home to this life is not an option for me or our children, we all deserve so much more.  When I got married, I quit my job so that he could work and I could take care of the kids.  I tried over the past year and a half to get a job, but was forced to quit because of the tension and arguments it would cause in my marriage.  Now that I am on my own with my children and no financial support from my husband reality is slapping me in the face.  I had to buy a new cell phone to replace the broken one, take on a car payment that quite frankly I cannot afford right now, but must figure out how to so that I can keep the job that I was able to get.

When my phone gets a text message my stomach drops, some days I get text messages asking how the kids are doing, other days he seems sad and depressed and wants me to come home and other days he is mean and hurtful.  I understand everyone has different emotions in situations like this, but we are grown adults and my concern is for my safety and my children’s safety.  My family has seen him driving by their house on the weekends when he has our son, I am living over 30 minutes away from him now and I just do not understand why he has to drive by the house he knows I am staying at?

I love James, I still love him, I will probably always love him.  He needs help.  Help with anger, help with depression and help with addiction.  He feels he needs to control everyone and everything.  When he feels like he is losing control he lashes out in ways I have never seen.  Our marriage failed and I hate that, it saddens me beyond belief, but we have to figure out how to move forward from here for our children’s sake.  I don’t want to keep our son away from him, but there are times when I am so fearful that he is so angry with me that I will never see my son again when he takes him and it makes me so mad that there is nothing I can do about it, except let him take Christian and hope and pray I see him again on Sunday.  It is the loneliest feeling a mother could ever have.

Your Honor, I am at a loss.  I fought for my marriage, I fought for our children.  I not only lost my husband, I lost my beautiful step son and my children lost having their parents together.  I know this is for the best.  I have never been told how much I am loved and what a terrible person I am by the man I loved.  I know the man he is capable of being, I have seen him at his best.  I know our vows were for better or worse, but I am so scared that his worst may one day take me away from our kids for good and I cannot take that chance.  He has told me that the law cannot protect me from him, but all I can do now is hope that he is wrong and that my children and I will be protected, and he will get each and every bit of help he needs to get healthy again.

I didn't listen for a reason

A lot of red flags went up fast with him, but I was blinded.  I fell hard and I fell fast.  A big reason I left my boyfriend before him was, well his family was crazy (haha), no really I did not get along with his sister AT ALL, and I was ready to get married and start a family. And I was single for about a year before we got together.  So I think I was letting that fuel my fire with Jim.  He had Austin, I had Breauna, it was like instant family in a way so I ignored the fact that he was so disrespectful to me with the Facebook comments and text messages to other women insinuating he would cheat on me.  I fought with him over the naked pictures I would find in his cell phone that I knew for a fact were never sent to me, but I still hung on.  What I hung on to was our family, I hung on because I was committed and I hung on to his apologies.

 

I should have walked away, but I didn't and even after all the verbal and physical abuse I took, I am glad I didn't because I am stronger now than I ever have been before.  I have 2 beautiful children and even though I lost my step son through this divorce I pray one day when he is old enough he will find me and he will know how much I love him. 

 

I still look over my shoulder every day, there are nights I cry myself to sleep because I am afraid he is still so enraged I put him in jail (in fact I know he is enraged), but I have to protect myself and my kids.  There was a time I was afraid to put Christian in his car seat and have my back to the road.  Never before have I been that fearful, ever and I never will be that fearful again.

 

Through all this my daughter has suffered a lot.  She looked up to Jim as her father.  She will now grow up with a huge hole in her life and I am to blame, this rips my soul to shreds.  So to any woman reading this I beg you please do not stay because it is best for the kids, IT'S NOT! 

 

I am so scared my daughter will let a man hurt her because she witnessed it happening to me and there were times he was so enraged I could not stop him from hurting her either.  Hearing her running up the stairs screaming "Stop hurting my mommy" are words I will never forget and she had many sleepless nights worrying about me, and scared about when he was going to come home from work.  Everyone told me to get out, I just didn't know how, or when and I had to reach "my breaking point".  But to be honest with you, my breaking point could have cost me my life, I waited for it to get that bad.  

 

Now I wait, I wait for the divorce to be final, I wait for the right man to love me in the way I deserve to be loved.  It will take a special person to put up with all the hell I will put on them because all the hell I have been put through, but settling is not an option for me, happiness is.  He will have to love me at my best, dry my tears (there will be many), and enjoy the greatest of times (there will be many more).  My future is bright, my past is my strength and my present I am thankful for.  

I almost forgot about the good times

This weekend I went away on a camping trip with my family.  On the Friday night my niece and I took showers and she wanted someone to brush her hair, so I told her I would do it.  We were up in the bathrooms and I started brushing it and she was telling me how good it felt and how she loved when she had her hair brushed.  I told her it was my favorite thing too, it is so relaxing.  Then, she reminded me of something that brought tears to my eyes.  She looked at me in the mirror and said "Aunt Julie remember when Jimmy used to always love to brush your hair for you when you took a shower?"  I had forgotten about that.  She was so right, he would always be waiting for me when I got out of the shower, sitting on the edge of our bed, brush in hand and he would gently brush my hair every night.  Those were the times he would show true affection towards me, those were times I knew why I loved him.

Those little things that he used to do for me, before his words became harsh and his fists became hard, are the little things I want to take away and hope to find again some day.  I won't ever settle for less than what I deserve because I know what I have to offer is hard to come by.  All I ever wanted was to be a wife & lover to my husband, a mother & friend to my kids and go to bed every night knowing & feeling in my heart I am safe in the arms of the man I will devote myself too & he is equally devoted. 

I remember there were good times, it is hard to dig deep and find them amongst all the scars.  The sad reality of my situation is, abuse made me stronger.

I fell in love

He was a Dad....a great Dad, he loved his boys like nothing I had ever seen. 

I remember the first time I met Austin, he was a little over 2 years old.  He did circles around me for about 10 minutes, never taking his eyes off me.  He was so adorable, with that curly mop and those big brown eyes.  That lil guy stole my heart.  There were some issues going on with Austin's Mom and Jim had him a lot of the time and he was a natural.  He was like a big kid with him, almost like a gentle giant.

I was working a full time job and a part time waitress job at nights and on the weekends, so Jim moved in with me to help me with Breauna, since he was not working.  Looking back, it was way too soon, but as they say Love is Blind.  He was spending almost every night with me anyways, so what was the difference?

Sure he had a past, but who doesn't?  We ALL make mistakes, learning from them is what is important.  He was a wonderful father, very attentive to my needs and said all the right things.  I was the luckiest girl alive.

It only took about a week

That's all it took, about a week for it to come out that he was "dating" me and someone else at the same time. Sure, I was broken hearted, I had feelings for him, we had been talking for a llllooonnng time and I was being lied too. I felt betrayed, like I was being cheated on in a sense. Sure we had not made anything "official" yet, but if I ask you a question and you flat out lie to me, what else am I supposed to think?

Come to find out, this "other" girl, or child shall I call her, since she was ONLY 19 years old, was part of an escort service. Apparently, she just posed as a "date" for guys, but come on, who are we fooling here. See I am a no nonsense kind of person, and I was pissed, I was beyond pissed. I did not talk to him for probably a good 2 to 3 weeks. I have no problem finding someone to date, I can move on to the next person, no problem. The problem is, I had feelings for HIM.

I finally broke down and took his call after a few weeks, it was right before Christmas. He told me that he wanted to be with me, and not with this other girl. So we went out and I remember going back to his house....ahem correction, his parents house because that is where he was living, and his dad approaced him as we were walking in. He pulled him aside and I could kind of hear the conversation that was going on, it was tense. What I got from it was this "other" girl had called while we were out and it made his dad very uncomfortable having to make an excuse for him and he needed to make a choice. So when he came back in the room I told him to call her...that second. He didn't want too because his oldest son was in the room with us and that put him in an awkward position, so I told him to call or I walk. He called, I listened to him tell her everything. She was screaming at him as any child would, and the conversation was over.

I remember going home that night feeling bad for her, and uneasy about our future. I knew it was not a good foot to start off on, but I already had such strong feelings for him, something told me it would be okay. He had this way with words to keep me hanging on.

November 22, 2006~The First Date

We had talked online since June of that year. He seemed perfect. I would wait to see his screen name pop up so we could chat. I hung on to his every word, he was the man of my dreams.

It was the night before Thanksgiving, the biggest bar night of the year. We had in fact had plans to go out the weekend before, but he came down with a terrible flu bug and he had to cancel. Of course my "girl brain" told me that he had something else going on. I learned later that he was really sick that weekend (maybe one of the only truths I ever got).

I picked him up, yes I know not the "normal" thing to do,and red flags should have gone off, but they didn't. He did not have his drivers license, or a job, but I always look for the good in someone and I saw the good in him. (There is good there).

We had an instant connection. We went to The Rhino, a little hole in the wall bar in my town and we danced all night. I even took him to Thanksgiving Dinner the next day to meet my family. We were inseparable from that point on.

Looking Back

This will be a work in progress and I hope you can all keep up.  This will be emotional at times, and I first want to thank my wonderful Sister Theresa & her boyfriend Dave for helping me through what have been the most difficult months of my entire life.  If it were not for them, my children and I would not have had a roof over our heads or food on the table.  I can never ever repay them.  I also need to thank my father and step mother for their help in helping me regain some financial stability again, because again, I could not have done any of this without them.  My mother, even though she is miles and miles away, I can feel her presence.  I know I give you a hard time and I want you here more than ever, but I hope you know that I appreciate everything you have done for me.  I could not ask for a better family or support system. 

I also need to take a second to thank my best friend Andrea.  I think God may have hand picked her as a second sister for me.  Her and I have grown so close, and who gets the honor to share the birth of their baby boys on the same day?  I have to tell you girl, you are truly a blessing in my life and when I think about what I want out of a relationship, for a husband, for my life, you have set a great example for me.  You have a great husband, you are an amazing friend and an exceptional mother.  I can count on one hand who my closest friends are, and mostn I have had more than half my life, for us to meet as adults and become such great friends and remain great friends, I am honored.  You are always my first call when I need to cry, I know I can just let it all out and you will just listen to me, no judgements, no harsh words, just your ear.  I love you, Thank  you.