This week has again been just "off" for me. Starting to get back into dating to put it into one word...SUCKS. I have had many nights where I have laid in bed and cried myself to sleep because I am scared and I am pissed off, but mostly because I am hurt and lonely. But I refuse to allow that feeling of loneliness allow me to settle, which is hard sometimes. Especially when you look at someone, or you are with them and everything fits together, but the time and effort is just not there, its dis-heartening. But I have changed a lot from this, I have grown so much and I know that even though its hard and it is lonely I will be okay, and someone will love me as much as I will love them, when the time is right.
Saturday I went to a Sportsman's Raffle for the Shriner's (normally a mans thing), but again, being single and just getting into the dating thing, I went alone (well with family), and had a blast! However, two things happened, one prior to the event and one while I was there. On the way to the event I drove by Jim and my heart stopped, literally STOPPED. I can't say for sure if he saw me, but I saw him, it was awful, just awful. A few hours later a very good friend of my parents approached me and said that they have never seen me happier or look better. We proceeded to have quite a lengthy conversation about how my sister was never a fan of his and I should have listened (I know now), and that they are so happy I got out. They also said that they thought he brought me down, they saw the weight I carried (from his constant abuse). That conversation was so enlightening, it meant so much to me. It is the little things like that that make me realize I am doing the right thing. Yes, I KNOW, I am doing the right thing, but knowing that other people see that I am growing into a stronger, healthier person means a lot.
This road has not been the easiest, I have definitely taken the long hard road, and at times I think I still continue to take the bumpier route, it is just who I am. It does not mean I will ever let myself or my kids become un-loved ever again. I am happier now than I have been in a long time, and I know eventually my happiness will be shared with someone who deserves me.
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