The Hardest Letter I Ever Had To Write

I had to write this letter at his sentencing for domestic violence against me, I think about this letter often, I think about that night often.  It is a night that will haunt me forever I think.  I still look over my shoulder, I am still scared to turn my back, he has assured me the law will not protect me from him.  When I shower, I jump when I hear a noise outside, I hate that he has this grip over me.

Dear Judge:

This letter is the hardest letter I have ever had to write in my life.  It has taken me days to get up the nerve to begin to write it, I have no clue where to even begin.  This whole situation has become such a mess, as I am sure they often do, that even the mere thought of going through the process of court, separation and divorce is exhausting beyond belief.

 I will start by saying that even though my husband believes I want him to go to jail, or I have I have ill intentions for him, that is not the case.  He also believes that I want to peg him as an abuser and a drug addict, when truly I just want him to get the help he so desperately needs.  I believe deep down in my heart that he has an addiction problem, not just to one thing or another; he just has an addictive personality.  He is not afraid to try anything or face anyone; he exhibits no fear of anyone or anything, no matter what the consequences. 

A couple years ago, I required a surgery on my sinuses.  I was prescribed pain medicine to help me through the first couple weeks of recovery.  About 3 days post-op I noticed my whole bottle of pills was missing, and I had only taken a couple pills at that point.  I was required to go through the rest of my recovery without any pain medicine.  James admitted to me that he had taken the bottle of pills, I was a little alarmed, but I had never experienced anything like this and since it was the first time and he said it would never happen again I let it go.

Over the past couple years he has required two surgeries that have required him to be on pain medicine for an extensive period of time.  The first surgery was just before we got married in 2008 and when he realized he was becoming addicted to the pain medicine he let the doctor know to stop prescribing it to him.  Over the past year and a half he has had major problems with his back so the doctors started prescribing him Vicodin about a year ago to help with the pain.  This past April he had back surgery and it was a great decision, however the doctors continued to prescribe him Vicodin.  His addiction has gotten so severe that he will take a 90 day prescription in less than 2 weeks, and when that runs out he buys them from people.  The cost of his addiction has cost us to have utilities shut off and our vehicle repossessed, not to mention the effects it has had on his moods.

The incident in June was the worst fight we have ever gotten into.  The fact that he had no regard for my safety or our children’s safety is a clear indication of the seriousness of the situation and the intensity of his anger.  The fear in our babies cry that night is a sound I will never ever forget.  I was holding him the whole time we struggled over my cell phone, and when he took and broke it and I yelled for my daughter to wake up to go get help. He became even more enraged and punched me in the ribs.  This is the first time I am mentioning that he hit me that night, and I understand it is water under the bridge at this point. I still felt I had to protect him and me from him when I filed the police report.  Now that I look back, I cannot believe that he had no regard for hurting me like that or hurting our child while I was holding him, or that it took me this long to face the reality of how serious this whole situation is.  I had to hide the pain from that punch for weeks, but the sound of our sons cry is a sound that will haunt me forever, to this day I have never heard him cry like he did that night.

We tried to go to counseling, but it did not work for us.  The anger my husband has inside is something that I cannot contend with, nor will I allow my children to be raised around.  Our counselor has stated she believes there may be an underlying undiagnosed mental illness that along with the addiction issues is fueling the anger and his depression.  Our primary doctor has prescribed him depression medication, but he refuses to take it. 

Since I have left with our children he refuses to help me financially.  He says if I come home he will help me, but coming home to this life is not an option for me or our children, we all deserve so much more.  When I got married, I quit my job so that he could work and I could take care of the kids.  I tried over the past year and a half to get a job, but was forced to quit because of the tension and arguments it would cause in my marriage.  Now that I am on my own with my children and no financial support from my husband reality is slapping me in the face.  I had to buy a new cell phone to replace the broken one, take on a car payment that quite frankly I cannot afford right now, but must figure out how to so that I can keep the job that I was able to get.

When my phone gets a text message my stomach drops, some days I get text messages asking how the kids are doing, other days he seems sad and depressed and wants me to come home and other days he is mean and hurtful.  I understand everyone has different emotions in situations like this, but we are grown adults and my concern is for my safety and my children’s safety.  My family has seen him driving by their house on the weekends when he has our son, I am living over 30 minutes away from him now and I just do not understand why he has to drive by the house he knows I am staying at?

I love James, I still love him, I will probably always love him.  He needs help.  Help with anger, help with depression and help with addiction.  He feels he needs to control everyone and everything.  When he feels like he is losing control he lashes out in ways I have never seen.  Our marriage failed and I hate that, it saddens me beyond belief, but we have to figure out how to move forward from here for our children’s sake.  I don’t want to keep our son away from him, but there are times when I am so fearful that he is so angry with me that I will never see my son again when he takes him and it makes me so mad that there is nothing I can do about it, except let him take Christian and hope and pray I see him again on Sunday.  It is the loneliest feeling a mother could ever have.

Your Honor, I am at a loss.  I fought for my marriage, I fought for our children.  I not only lost my husband, I lost my beautiful step son and my children lost having their parents together.  I know this is for the best.  I have never been told how much I am loved and what a terrible person I am by the man I loved.  I know the man he is capable of being, I have seen him at his best.  I know our vows were for better or worse, but I am so scared that his worst may one day take me away from our kids for good and I cannot take that chance.  He has told me that the law cannot protect me from him, but all I can do now is hope that he is wrong and that my children and I will be protected, and he will get each and every bit of help he needs to get healthy again.