I didn't listen for a reason

A lot of red flags went up fast with him, but I was blinded.  I fell hard and I fell fast.  A big reason I left my boyfriend before him was, well his family was crazy (haha), no really I did not get along with his sister AT ALL, and I was ready to get married and start a family. And I was single for about a year before we got together.  So I think I was letting that fuel my fire with Jim.  He had Austin, I had Breauna, it was like instant family in a way so I ignored the fact that he was so disrespectful to me with the Facebook comments and text messages to other women insinuating he would cheat on me.  I fought with him over the naked pictures I would find in his cell phone that I knew for a fact were never sent to me, but I still hung on.  What I hung on to was our family, I hung on because I was committed and I hung on to his apologies.

 

I should have walked away, but I didn't and even after all the verbal and physical abuse I took, I am glad I didn't because I am stronger now than I ever have been before.  I have 2 beautiful children and even though I lost my step son through this divorce I pray one day when he is old enough he will find me and he will know how much I love him. 

 

I still look over my shoulder every day, there are nights I cry myself to sleep because I am afraid he is still so enraged I put him in jail (in fact I know he is enraged), but I have to protect myself and my kids.  There was a time I was afraid to put Christian in his car seat and have my back to the road.  Never before have I been that fearful, ever and I never will be that fearful again.

 

Through all this my daughter has suffered a lot.  She looked up to Jim as her father.  She will now grow up with a huge hole in her life and I am to blame, this rips my soul to shreds.  So to any woman reading this I beg you please do not stay because it is best for the kids, IT'S NOT! 

 

I am so scared my daughter will let a man hurt her because she witnessed it happening to me and there were times he was so enraged I could not stop him from hurting her either.  Hearing her running up the stairs screaming "Stop hurting my mommy" are words I will never forget and she had many sleepless nights worrying about me, and scared about when he was going to come home from work.  Everyone told me to get out, I just didn't know how, or when and I had to reach "my breaking point".  But to be honest with you, my breaking point could have cost me my life, I waited for it to get that bad.  

 

Now I wait, I wait for the divorce to be final, I wait for the right man to love me in the way I deserve to be loved.  It will take a special person to put up with all the hell I will put on them because all the hell I have been put through, but settling is not an option for me, happiness is.  He will have to love me at my best, dry my tears (there will be many), and enjoy the greatest of times (there will be many more).  My future is bright, my past is my strength and my present I am thankful for.