Rough Week.

This week has probably been one of the HARDEST weeks since being single again.  Being a single parent sucks, it sucks so bad, but I have to remember that I did this for all the right reasons, it is the only way I will make it through.

I have been working a ton of hours, and everyone is giving me some sort of "opinion" about how many hours I am working, and frankly I am so sick of hearing about it.  The last thing I want to do is be away from my kids, I feel like a horrible mother to my kids, especially Brea since she has been the primary babysitter to her brother while I am working so much.  But, we are holding on, with everything we have and we will make it through this bumpy ride. 

This weekend my niece graduates from High School, I am so proud of her, she amazes me.  She has already accomplished so much for such a young woman.  I want her to look at the life that I have (not that it is bad, it is just HARD) and always do her best to make a conscious decision about how her actions will affect her future.  I love my kids with all my heart, but if I could pick better, more loving fathers for them I would in a heartbeat.

Doing it alone, is hard.  If it is hard for me, it is hard for them, but we are alive and we have each other, so that is all that matters.  I will continue to dig deep for strength.

Is Abuse The New Fad?

I will start by saying, I KNOW I have been slacking on keeping this up, but life happens.  I have had an incredible pull the last few weeks though to update and continue to share my story.

In the past week I have heard of 3 women that are being abused by their husbands...THREE!! I am absoutley amazed that I am hearing of this so often.  Was it always this bad, did I always hear about these things, but just brush it off because I was living it as well?  I wish I knew, but what I do know is that their stories make my heart ache.  It actually aches in a way I never thought possible because I have lived it, I have heard the words, I have feared for my safety. 

You can't help but wonder if it was something you said or did to deserve to be treated so awful? I find myself often questioning if I was that terrible of a person in another life to deserve to be in this position I am in now?  I mean, who's life dream is to be a divorced abusee with two kids whose "Fathers" have absoutely NOTHING to do with them?  Being a single mother was not my fairy tale when I was growing up, but I am and I deal with it and I would not go back EVER.  The hardest step is not the first step, because that is the one that is usually taken out of frustration and anger, so you walk away.  The hardest step is probably the third or fourth step, because abusers have a way of sweet talking you back, making you believe it will never happen again. I know from experience with more than one abusive relationship, THEY NEVER CHANGE, they are hoping you will just eventually break down and live with it and not realize you deserve better, and someone WILL treat you better.

I got an email from my ex-husband last week and his words were he "is a bounce back miracle story" all the while telling me what a terrible person I am, I think he even used the term Devil.  A year ago, his words would have ripped through me like razors, but now, they mean nothing.  I know it is his weak minded way to try to make himself feel better as a person, when the fact still remains he is and always will be an abuser.  However, those emails brought up a lot of old feelings of fear and anxiety that I thought had gone away.  I realized that I will always have a fear of him, no matter what.  This man threatened my life, and although I know people make idle threats, I have seen the anger in him, experienced it painfully first hand, I do not doubt that if given the opportunity, he would take it.

His abuse made me stronger than I have ever been in my life, am I proud to say I let my husband beat on me physically, emotionally and verbally?  No, but it changed me.  I still to this day regret that my daughter lived through this fear with me and I made such poor choices for male role models in her life.  I regret that she has had to step up in ways to help me with her brother so that I can work late to support us, all because of decisions I made. 

I still hear the blood curdling scream that my son screamed while I was holding him and his Father was beating on me. I relive these moments far too much, but they remind me of where I was, and where I am now.  I will take struggling any day of the week over fear for the next outburst of anger. 

Never, ever again will I go back to living in fear.  It has been almost a year since our divorce was final, and I feel free.  I am independent, I get to spend time with my family, I get to enjoy life and everything it has to offer. 

There is always a way out.

A Gift from God!

I have been slacking with keeping this up, but I will try to be a little more loyal to my blog, because I know my story is important and I know that it will help.  Finding the time as a single mother with 2 busy children is difficult at times to say the least. 

I got a phone call a couple weeks ago from a family member.  She asked me if she could give my phone number to a friend of hers from church because she was in a difficult situation, and needed guidance and strength.  She also wanted to know what she could say to help her friend, and sadly I had to be brutally honest, and that honesty is, she will not leave until she is ready too. 

 Looking back now I am amazed I stayed as long as I did, I endured so much physical and emotional pain thru my marriage that looking back now I could never imagine going back to those times.  The problem is I held onto the good times, knowing there would be more and wanting to keep my family together.  Now I know, I deserve so much more, and so do my babies.  Disrespecting your spouse in the way that any abuser does, is unacceptable in any shape.  'I am sorry' does not take it away, EVER. 

Unfortunately, I got a a point in my marriage where I feared for my safety, my life and my kids future.  I wish I had never let it get to that point, but I did and I know there was a reason for it.  My strength has increased ten-fold since then and I am thankful every single day for my family and friends for being a major source of my strength, because in the beginning it was hard not to go back, still letting him have financial and emotional control over me was draining.

I still fear for my safety, ultimately because he is non-complaint with his probation for assulting me and well because he has proven himself to be very unpredictible.  Still when I hear noises at night I jump and pray it is nothing, which it always has been "nothing" thank God.  Where there come a time when I am not scared, I don't know, but it is a work in progress to say the least.

Going back to work and being away from my kids and not getting as much free time with my friends and their kids has been challenging.  Learning how to morph myself to be in more than one place at a time is challenging, but thankfully with the support of friends and family, a lot of slack has been picked up.  I truly believe in the statement now "It takes a village to raise a child".  I am forever indebted to them for their love and support.

I wish my children's fathers realized what they are missing with two incredible children that never fail to put a smile on my face, and are my reason for living.  Maybe one day prorities will change and they will realize that they are hurting our babies, NOT ME, by acting like children themselves, but only time will tell.

Today I am happy, thankful and most of all safe.  Those are all variables that could change at any given moment, but I will continue to take the necessary steps every day to ensure our happiness and future.

Times Are Tough, But They Are Never Better!

Less than one week after our divorce was final, he was fired from his job.  Naturally, it was my fault.  My fault because he hit me, and my fault because he lost his job, over a year after I left him.  Little does he know, he no longer has that hold over me.  He lost his job because he STILL cannot accept responsibility for his own actions, proof still that I made the right choice in leaving. 

 

I hear, "You know its not fair that I have to pay $xxx.xx a week in child support"  my response to that..."what is not FAIR is that he went MONTHS, without giving me a penny, repossessed the car when I left you, drained the bank accounts when I refused to come back home, and do I dare mention mentally and physically abused me for years?"  I think justice is finally being served!

 

Hear this, however, times are tough, I struggle, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily.  It is difficult to want to do so much for my kids and not be able to because financially I am still, drained.  I want them to have so much, and sometimes it is a struggle just to pay the rent, but we are happy.  We have joy in our house, and we never have to worry about our safety, or if we will be awakened in the middle of the night by things being thrown and broken.  I would trade a financial worry over that worry any day of the week.  I say that now, but I know when I was living it, I let that financial hold keep me in the situation.  I let the fact that he had all the money keep me there.  I let the fact that I did not think my family would help me hold me back.  I let the police tell me that if I left and went to a shelter it would look favorable for him to get custody of my child.  Finally I had enough, and my family and friend stepped up and helped me. 

 

Just when you think there are not resources out there, or your family or friends don't have room or care enough to help you, think again.  They are out there, where you least expect them, when you least expect them.  I have made some amazing connections out of this, and formed some even better friendships. 

 

I truly believe, if I would have stayed, I may not be alive today.  The thought of never being able to touch my children again gives me shivers. 

There Has To Be A Way To Help

I think A LOT!

 

Thoughts swirl through my mind so often, they wake me at night and I can't fall back asleep, but my BIG thinking spot has always been the shower.  Maybe it's the sound of the water, or the comfort of the heat, but I could stay in there for hours and just think. So naturally while showering last night, I got to thinking, a lot of thoughts were random, but I have one major topic to discuss today, Helping Others.

 

My ex (GOD it feels good to call him that) is still "paying" for what he did to me, I believe that he still believes all he did that morning was break my cell phone.  I think that he has tricked his mind into believing that he truly did not hit me, but in his heart, he knows, and he will always know.  I pray one day he will be man enough to admit it, and then HIS true path to recovery can begin, but not until then.  Believe me I KNOW I am not perfect, I said some hurtful things to him, some things I wish I could take back.  It is crazy how abusers become perfectionists in the area of reverse psychology, making us believe that some how, some way, if I did not say that one thing the way I said it, if I did not do that one thing the way I did it, then HE never would have had to say the derogatory things he said or hit me.  At some point, I became stronger than him, in so many ways, and that is when I was able to say enough is enough.

 

Yesterday I got a call from the Victim Advocate in the county where he is serving his probation, taking classes, or whatever it is he has to do to "redeem" himself for "breaking my phone".  She asked how I was doing, and I actually had a little time to reflect back over the past year and a half.  If you would have asked me then, would I be here now, divorced, single mother, struggling, but HAPPY, I would have never imagined it.  I am happier now than I have been in, well maybe ever.  We struggle week to week, I still have not taken Brea shopping for school clothes yet because I just don't have the extra money right now, but I will take THESE struggles, over THOSE struggles any day.

 

So my point today is this, if I have come this far, anyone can, and this blog is just the tip of the iceberg for me, I got to thinking after talking with the Victim Advocate that there has to be a way I can reach out farther, because I still have so many stories to share, and share them I will, here, there and everywhere I can.  I think it is time for me to do some research, I feel like I need to help, I wish I could help by taking everyone in and helping them, and maybe one day I can have a safe house, that would be amazing, but for now, I need to share my story.

 

It Still Haunts Me

The signing of the papers was quick, so quick in fact I did not even make it into the court room.  In and out of the court house in like 25 minutes.  If only the whole divorce process was so quick maybe I would not have pulled half my hair out.  So I am officially divorced, I can move on, or attempt to. 

The pain haunts me and I hate it.  It is affecting me still in ways I wish it would not.  I had nightmares for days after our final court date.  I fear he will find me and break into my house and hurt me while I sleep.  And the physical pain hurts still, when it rains I can feel it in my ribs where he hit me, it aches like it did for weeks after and I had to hide the pain from my family.  It reminds me of the torment I was put through and I hate him for that.

I am so happy all that is behind me, I am in a much better place, I am so much happier now and it is invigorating to have my independence back and to be able to get ready for work in the morning and not be accused of being a whore or cheating because I am putting make up on.

I actually LOVE MY LIFE!!!

5 More Days of Being Married....

I have lived the darkest of days, actually been fearful and flinched in fear of the man I loved and devoted my life too.  It is a dreadful, soul stealing feeling.  Putting it into words for someone that has never experienced it is impossible.  I lied for him, when I look back now, I have no idea why, maybe I thought it would change, maybe it was because I saw the good person on the good days, but really it is because I am the person that always wants to help.  I take on the burden of every one's problems and tries to fix them, that is just who I am.  I make friends easy, I like everyone, I will give until I have nothing left to give. 

 

A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with my Dad and he still had no idea that my husband abused me like he did and even still I don't think he realizes the severity of the situation I was in.  I think if he did he may go crazy.  I am so thankful that I was able to confide in my sister, my mother and my friends, especially Andrea through all of this or I would have been so lost.  I cannot do or say enough to thank them for their continued support.

 

Next week I face him for the final time, I regain my TRUE independence from him.  I will no longer carry his name, however I will always carry the memory of the pain.  I am so much stronger now, I am so much happier now and I am so thankful for the people that have come into my life because of the choices I have made.