I will start by saying, I KNOW I have been slacking on keeping this up, but life happens. I have had an incredible pull the last few weeks though to update and continue to share my story.
In the past week I have heard of 3 women that are being abused by their husbands...THREE!! I am absoutley amazed that I am hearing of this so often. Was it always this bad, did I always hear about these things, but just brush it off because I was living it as well? I wish I knew, but what I do know is that their stories make my heart ache. It actually aches in a way I never thought possible because I have lived it, I have heard the words, I have feared for my safety.
You can't help but wonder if it was something you said or did to deserve to be treated so awful? I find myself often questioning if I was that terrible of a person in another life to deserve to be in this position I am in now? I mean, who's life dream is to be a divorced abusee with two kids whose "Fathers" have absoutely NOTHING to do with them? Being a single mother was not my fairy tale when I was growing up, but I am and I deal with it and I would not go back EVER. The hardest step is not the first step, because that is the one that is usually taken out of frustration and anger, so you walk away. The hardest step is probably the third or fourth step, because abusers have a way of sweet talking you back, making you believe it will never happen again. I know from experience with more than one abusive relationship, THEY NEVER CHANGE, they are hoping you will just eventually break down and live with it and not realize you deserve better, and someone WILL treat you better.
I got an email from my ex-husband last week and his words were he "is a bounce back miracle story" all the while telling me what a terrible person I am, I think he even used the term Devil. A year ago, his words would have ripped through me like razors, but now, they mean nothing. I know it is his weak minded way to try to make himself feel better as a person, when the fact still remains he is and always will be an abuser. However, those emails brought up a lot of old feelings of fear and anxiety that I thought had gone away. I realized that I will always have a fear of him, no matter what. This man threatened my life, and although I know people make idle threats, I have seen the anger in him, experienced it painfully first hand, I do not doubt that if given the opportunity, he would take it.
His abuse made me stronger than I have ever been in my life, am I proud to say I let my husband beat on me physically, emotionally and verbally? No, but it changed me. I still to this day regret that my daughter lived through this fear with me and I made such poor choices for male role models in her life. I regret that she has had to step up in ways to help me with her brother so that I can work late to support us, all because of decisions I made.
I still hear the blood curdling scream that my son screamed while I was holding him and his Father was beating on me. I relive these moments far too much, but they remind me of where I was, and where I am now. I will take struggling any day of the week over fear for the next outburst of anger.
Never, ever again will I go back to living in fear. It has been almost a year since our divorce was final, and I feel free. I am independent, I get to spend time with my family, I get to enjoy life and everything it has to offer.
There is always a way out.
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