5 More Days of Being Married....

I have lived the darkest of days, actually been fearful and flinched in fear of the man I loved and devoted my life too.  It is a dreadful, soul stealing feeling.  Putting it into words for someone that has never experienced it is impossible.  I lied for him, when I look back now, I have no idea why, maybe I thought it would change, maybe it was because I saw the good person on the good days, but really it is because I am the person that always wants to help.  I take on the burden of every one's problems and tries to fix them, that is just who I am.  I make friends easy, I like everyone, I will give until I have nothing left to give. 

 

A couple weeks ago I had a conversation with my Dad and he still had no idea that my husband abused me like he did and even still I don't think he realizes the severity of the situation I was in.  I think if he did he may go crazy.  I am so thankful that I was able to confide in my sister, my mother and my friends, especially Andrea through all of this or I would have been so lost.  I cannot do or say enough to thank them for their continued support.

 

Next week I face him for the final time, I regain my TRUE independence from him.  I will no longer carry his name, however I will always carry the memory of the pain.  I am so much stronger now, I am so much happier now and I am so thankful for the people that have come into my life because of the choices I have made.

I am better off without you....CONFIRMED!!

This week has again been just "off" for me. Starting to get back into dating to put it into one word...SUCKS. I have had many nights where I have laid in bed and cried myself to sleep because I am scared and I am pissed off, but mostly because I am hurt and lonely. But I refuse to allow that feeling of loneliness allow me to settle, which is hard sometimes. Especially when you look at someone, or you are with them and everything fits together, but the time and effort is just not there, its dis-heartening. But I have changed a lot from this, I have grown so much and I know that even though its hard and it is lonely I will be okay, and someone will love me as much as I will love them, when the time is right.

Saturday I went to a Sportsman's Raffle for the Shriner's (normally a mans thing), but again, being single and just getting into the dating thing, I went alone (well with family), and had a blast!  However, two things happened, one prior to the event and one while I was there.  On the way to the event I drove by Jim and my heart stopped, literally STOPPED.  I can't say for sure if he saw me, but I saw him, it was awful, just awful.  A few hours later a very good friend of my parents approached me and said that they have never seen me happier or look better.  We proceeded to have quite a lengthy conversation about how my sister was never a fan of his and I should have listened (I know now), and that they are so happy I got out.  They also said that they thought he brought me down, they saw the weight I carried (from his constant abuse).  That conversation was so enlightening, it meant so much to me.  It is the little things like that that make me realize I am doing the right thing.  Yes, I KNOW, I am doing the right thing, but knowing that other people see that I am growing into a stronger, healthier person means a lot.

This road has not been the easiest, I have definitely taken the long hard road, and at times I think I still continue to take the bumpier route, it is just who I am.  It does not mean I will ever let myself or my kids become un-loved ever again.  I am happier now than I have been in a long time, and I know eventually my happiness will be shared with someone who deserves me.

Happy Anniversary

It was a weird week.  Saturday I met up with an old friend I have known since High School. We had it all planned out ahead of time, her boyfriend was going to bring her to my house and she was going to spend the night and she was going to get picked up Sunday morning.  Well Saturday evening she called me bawling her eyes out that he left her and the kids stranded, literally in the middle of the road, no car, nothing.  So many emotions came flowing back to me. 

 

Not to long after I found out I was pregnant with Christian, Jim left me and Breauna in the bitter cold at Kensington Park, at night to walk home.  It took us about 4 or 5 hours along 2 lane roads, knee deep in snow (no joke).  At one point a couple even stopped and offered to pick us up because they said they almost hit us because they could not see us on the side of the road.  I just remember how cold our feet were, and my stomach was so crampy I was so scared I was going to lose the baby. 

 

All those feelings of being stranded came rushing back to me, so I went and got her and those kids and I made them pack their stuff and come stay at my house.  I remember what it was like when the electricity was about to be shut off because "extra curricular" things were more important.  The cable was shut off because it was "his" money and I was just waiting for the landlord to come knocking on the door with the eviction notice, it was such an un-nerving feeling.  I knew that it would throw other plans I had on Sunday off, but I could not help it I have an amazing support system and I could not let her sit there and cry like that, she has to know there is always a way out.  I let the fact that there was only one car hold me back, I let him tell me I was a bitch and a cunt and no one would ever love me. 

 

So, today is what would have been my wedding anniversary, but you know what's so funny, we never really celebrated it and that pissed me off so bad.  I wanted to go out to dinner or go away for the weekend, I wanted to celebrate "us", and not once did we ever do it.  So really this "anniversary" is no different than any of the other ones. 

 

The night we got married was a joke, 200 people came and went and the night ended in disaster with him treating me like complete crap in front of EVERYONE including my family & closest friends.  It was such an embarrassment the way he screamed at me in front of everyone.

 

Ironically, I found out today that on August 31st we sign our divorce papers, I will be officially single again, as long as he shows up for this court date.  It is bitter-sweet, the light is finally visible, but the battle is not over.  The fear still looms, there is a PPO still in place and I still fear every day that he will get the revenge he has promised.  However, I will not let that fear determine how I live my life, I will continue to help my friends when they need me so they can see there is a way out, I will show my kids that we deserve nothing but the best life has to offer, not materialistically, but in love and honor and respect.  We will encounter more bumps, there will be more tears and hard times ahead, but we will overcome them and come out the other side stronger than before.

The Secrets Were Plentiful

I don't remember exactly at what point things changed so drastically that we were literally walking on egg shells around the house.  I was a stay at home mom (my dream), he was working (A LOT).  If I would take the kids out to do stuff while he slept during the day, or while he worked on the weekends, I was a bitch, or a cunt or a terrible wife.  I remember thinking to myself how can someone who claims to love me so much call me these names, over and over again?  But I accepted apology after apology.

There were times I would take Breauna out to eat and I would have to tell her not to tell Dad because he would get mad and it would break my heart to have to have her lie to him, but it was the only way I could keep the peace, and still do little things with Breauna.  She knew why too, she would always ask me why Dad would not let us go to the movies together, or why we couldn't go shopping together, just little things that we should have been able to do.

It started effecting her health, to the point she had to have medical procedures, so serious they had to put her to sleep and put tubes down her throat and now I believe it was all the stress of my marriage.  The abuse we were enduring was putting this stress on my baby to the point she was making herself sick, it breaks my heart.  There is still a chance it is something else, but her flare ups are few are far between since we left that situation. 

Today I learned that Austin learned how to ride his two wheeler.  It is probably one of the first real milestones he has reached without me by his side since he was 2 years old, and it breaks my heart that I missed it.  I have been chocking back tears all day.  He is my baby and that situation was as difficult on him as it was the rest of us and if I could have taken him with me I would have in a second.  I close my eyes every night and imagine my arms wrapped around him, his smell, and those big brown eyes that will turn that "No" into "Yes" in a heartbeat.  He called me Mom all these years and even the last "secret" meet up I had with him where his "real" mom brought him to see me, he begged her to let him come back and live with me.  All I can do is hope and pray that he grows up knowing how to treat a woman, and that this woman, his Mom, loves him with all her heart and soul.  Whether I carried him for 9 months or not, he is still my baby.

The Hardest Letter I Ever Had To Write

I had to write this letter at his sentencing for domestic violence against me, I think about this letter often, I think about that night often.  It is a night that will haunt me forever I think.  I still look over my shoulder, I am still scared to turn my back, he has assured me the law will not protect me from him.  When I shower, I jump when I hear a noise outside, I hate that he has this grip over me.

Dear Judge:

This letter is the hardest letter I have ever had to write in my life.  It has taken me days to get up the nerve to begin to write it, I have no clue where to even begin.  This whole situation has become such a mess, as I am sure they often do, that even the mere thought of going through the process of court, separation and divorce is exhausting beyond belief.

 I will start by saying that even though my husband believes I want him to go to jail, or I have I have ill intentions for him, that is not the case.  He also believes that I want to peg him as an abuser and a drug addict, when truly I just want him to get the help he so desperately needs.  I believe deep down in my heart that he has an addiction problem, not just to one thing or another; he just has an addictive personality.  He is not afraid to try anything or face anyone; he exhibits no fear of anyone or anything, no matter what the consequences. 

A couple years ago, I required a surgery on my sinuses.  I was prescribed pain medicine to help me through the first couple weeks of recovery.  About 3 days post-op I noticed my whole bottle of pills was missing, and I had only taken a couple pills at that point.  I was required to go through the rest of my recovery without any pain medicine.  James admitted to me that he had taken the bottle of pills, I was a little alarmed, but I had never experienced anything like this and since it was the first time and he said it would never happen again I let it go.

Over the past couple years he has required two surgeries that have required him to be on pain medicine for an extensive period of time.  The first surgery was just before we got married in 2008 and when he realized he was becoming addicted to the pain medicine he let the doctor know to stop prescribing it to him.  Over the past year and a half he has had major problems with his back so the doctors started prescribing him Vicodin about a year ago to help with the pain.  This past April he had back surgery and it was a great decision, however the doctors continued to prescribe him Vicodin.  His addiction has gotten so severe that he will take a 90 day prescription in less than 2 weeks, and when that runs out he buys them from people.  The cost of his addiction has cost us to have utilities shut off and our vehicle repossessed, not to mention the effects it has had on his moods.

The incident in June was the worst fight we have ever gotten into.  The fact that he had no regard for my safety or our children’s safety is a clear indication of the seriousness of the situation and the intensity of his anger.  The fear in our babies cry that night is a sound I will never ever forget.  I was holding him the whole time we struggled over my cell phone, and when he took and broke it and I yelled for my daughter to wake up to go get help. He became even more enraged and punched me in the ribs.  This is the first time I am mentioning that he hit me that night, and I understand it is water under the bridge at this point. I still felt I had to protect him and me from him when I filed the police report.  Now that I look back, I cannot believe that he had no regard for hurting me like that or hurting our child while I was holding him, or that it took me this long to face the reality of how serious this whole situation is.  I had to hide the pain from that punch for weeks, but the sound of our sons cry is a sound that will haunt me forever, to this day I have never heard him cry like he did that night.

We tried to go to counseling, but it did not work for us.  The anger my husband has inside is something that I cannot contend with, nor will I allow my children to be raised around.  Our counselor has stated she believes there may be an underlying undiagnosed mental illness that along with the addiction issues is fueling the anger and his depression.  Our primary doctor has prescribed him depression medication, but he refuses to take it. 

Since I have left with our children he refuses to help me financially.  He says if I come home he will help me, but coming home to this life is not an option for me or our children, we all deserve so much more.  When I got married, I quit my job so that he could work and I could take care of the kids.  I tried over the past year and a half to get a job, but was forced to quit because of the tension and arguments it would cause in my marriage.  Now that I am on my own with my children and no financial support from my husband reality is slapping me in the face.  I had to buy a new cell phone to replace the broken one, take on a car payment that quite frankly I cannot afford right now, but must figure out how to so that I can keep the job that I was able to get.

When my phone gets a text message my stomach drops, some days I get text messages asking how the kids are doing, other days he seems sad and depressed and wants me to come home and other days he is mean and hurtful.  I understand everyone has different emotions in situations like this, but we are grown adults and my concern is for my safety and my children’s safety.  My family has seen him driving by their house on the weekends when he has our son, I am living over 30 minutes away from him now and I just do not understand why he has to drive by the house he knows I am staying at?

I love James, I still love him, I will probably always love him.  He needs help.  Help with anger, help with depression and help with addiction.  He feels he needs to control everyone and everything.  When he feels like he is losing control he lashes out in ways I have never seen.  Our marriage failed and I hate that, it saddens me beyond belief, but we have to figure out how to move forward from here for our children’s sake.  I don’t want to keep our son away from him, but there are times when I am so fearful that he is so angry with me that I will never see my son again when he takes him and it makes me so mad that there is nothing I can do about it, except let him take Christian and hope and pray I see him again on Sunday.  It is the loneliest feeling a mother could ever have.

Your Honor, I am at a loss.  I fought for my marriage, I fought for our children.  I not only lost my husband, I lost my beautiful step son and my children lost having their parents together.  I know this is for the best.  I have never been told how much I am loved and what a terrible person I am by the man I loved.  I know the man he is capable of being, I have seen him at his best.  I know our vows were for better or worse, but I am so scared that his worst may one day take me away from our kids for good and I cannot take that chance.  He has told me that the law cannot protect me from him, but all I can do now is hope that he is wrong and that my children and I will be protected, and he will get each and every bit of help he needs to get healthy again.