This week has probably been one of the HARDEST weeks since being single again. Being a single parent sucks, it sucks so bad, but I have to remember that I did this for all the right reasons, it is the only way I will make it through.
I have been working a ton of hours, and everyone is giving me some sort of "opinion" about how many hours I am working, and frankly I am so sick of hearing about it. The last thing I want to do is be away from my kids, I feel like a horrible mother to my kids, especially Brea since she has been the primary babysitter to her brother while I am working so much. But, we are holding on, with everything we have and we will make it through this bumpy ride.
This weekend my niece graduates from High School, I am so proud of her, she amazes me. She has already accomplished so much for such a young woman. I want her to look at the life that I have (not that it is bad, it is just HARD) and always do her best to make a conscious decision about how her actions will affect her future. I love my kids with all my heart, but if I could pick better, more loving fathers for them I would in a heartbeat.
Doing it alone, is hard. If it is hard for me, it is hard for them, but we are alive and we have each other, so that is all that matters. I will continue to dig deep for strength.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Is Abuse The New Fad?
I will start by saying, I KNOW I have been slacking on keeping this up, but life happens. I have had an incredible pull the last few weeks though to update and continue to share my story.
In the past week I have heard of 3 women that are being abused by their husbands...THREE!! I am absoutley amazed that I am hearing of this so often. Was it always this bad, did I always hear about these things, but just brush it off because I was living it as well? I wish I knew, but what I do know is that their stories make my heart ache. It actually aches in a way I never thought possible because I have lived it, I have heard the words, I have feared for my safety.
You can't help but wonder if it was something you said or did to deserve to be treated so awful? I find myself often questioning if I was that terrible of a person in another life to deserve to be in this position I am in now? I mean, who's life dream is to be a divorced abusee with two kids whose "Fathers" have absoutely NOTHING to do with them? Being a single mother was not my fairy tale when I was growing up, but I am and I deal with it and I would not go back EVER. The hardest step is not the first step, because that is the one that is usually taken out of frustration and anger, so you walk away. The hardest step is probably the third or fourth step, because abusers have a way of sweet talking you back, making you believe it will never happen again. I know from experience with more than one abusive relationship, THEY NEVER CHANGE, they are hoping you will just eventually break down and live with it and not realize you deserve better, and someone WILL treat you better.
I got an email from my ex-husband last week and his words were he "is a bounce back miracle story" all the while telling me what a terrible person I am, I think he even used the term Devil. A year ago, his words would have ripped through me like razors, but now, they mean nothing. I know it is his weak minded way to try to make himself feel better as a person, when the fact still remains he is and always will be an abuser. However, those emails brought up a lot of old feelings of fear and anxiety that I thought had gone away. I realized that I will always have a fear of him, no matter what. This man threatened my life, and although I know people make idle threats, I have seen the anger in him, experienced it painfully first hand, I do not doubt that if given the opportunity, he would take it.
His abuse made me stronger than I have ever been in my life, am I proud to say I let my husband beat on me physically, emotionally and verbally? No, but it changed me. I still to this day regret that my daughter lived through this fear with me and I made such poor choices for male role models in her life. I regret that she has had to step up in ways to help me with her brother so that I can work late to support us, all because of decisions I made.
I still hear the blood curdling scream that my son screamed while I was holding him and his Father was beating on me. I relive these moments far too much, but they remind me of where I was, and where I am now. I will take struggling any day of the week over fear for the next outburst of anger.
Never, ever again will I go back to living in fear. It has been almost a year since our divorce was final, and I feel free. I am independent, I get to spend time with my family, I get to enjoy life and everything it has to offer.
There is always a way out.
In the past week I have heard of 3 women that are being abused by their husbands...THREE!! I am absoutley amazed that I am hearing of this so often. Was it always this bad, did I always hear about these things, but just brush it off because I was living it as well? I wish I knew, but what I do know is that their stories make my heart ache. It actually aches in a way I never thought possible because I have lived it, I have heard the words, I have feared for my safety.
You can't help but wonder if it was something you said or did to deserve to be treated so awful? I find myself often questioning if I was that terrible of a person in another life to deserve to be in this position I am in now? I mean, who's life dream is to be a divorced abusee with two kids whose "Fathers" have absoutely NOTHING to do with them? Being a single mother was not my fairy tale when I was growing up, but I am and I deal with it and I would not go back EVER. The hardest step is not the first step, because that is the one that is usually taken out of frustration and anger, so you walk away. The hardest step is probably the third or fourth step, because abusers have a way of sweet talking you back, making you believe it will never happen again. I know from experience with more than one abusive relationship, THEY NEVER CHANGE, they are hoping you will just eventually break down and live with it and not realize you deserve better, and someone WILL treat you better.
I got an email from my ex-husband last week and his words were he "is a bounce back miracle story" all the while telling me what a terrible person I am, I think he even used the term Devil. A year ago, his words would have ripped through me like razors, but now, they mean nothing. I know it is his weak minded way to try to make himself feel better as a person, when the fact still remains he is and always will be an abuser. However, those emails brought up a lot of old feelings of fear and anxiety that I thought had gone away. I realized that I will always have a fear of him, no matter what. This man threatened my life, and although I know people make idle threats, I have seen the anger in him, experienced it painfully first hand, I do not doubt that if given the opportunity, he would take it.
His abuse made me stronger than I have ever been in my life, am I proud to say I let my husband beat on me physically, emotionally and verbally? No, but it changed me. I still to this day regret that my daughter lived through this fear with me and I made such poor choices for male role models in her life. I regret that she has had to step up in ways to help me with her brother so that I can work late to support us, all because of decisions I made.
I still hear the blood curdling scream that my son screamed while I was holding him and his Father was beating on me. I relive these moments far too much, but they remind me of where I was, and where I am now. I will take struggling any day of the week over fear for the next outburst of anger.
Never, ever again will I go back to living in fear. It has been almost a year since our divorce was final, and I feel free. I am independent, I get to spend time with my family, I get to enjoy life and everything it has to offer.
There is always a way out.
Monday, January 30, 2012
A Gift from God!
I have been slacking with keeping this up, but I will try to be a little more loyal to my blog, because I know my story is important and I know that it will help. Finding the time as a single mother with 2 busy children is difficult at times to say the least.
I got a phone call a couple weeks ago from a family member. She asked me if she could give my phone number to a friend of hers from church because she was in a difficult situation, and needed guidance and strength. She also wanted to know what she could say to help her friend, and sadly I had to be brutally honest, and that honesty is, she will not leave until she is ready too.
Looking back now I am amazed I stayed as long as I did, I endured so much physical and emotional pain thru my marriage that looking back now I could never imagine going back to those times. The problem is I held onto the good times, knowing there would be more and wanting to keep my family together. Now I know, I deserve so much more, and so do my babies. Disrespecting your spouse in the way that any abuser does, is unacceptable in any shape. 'I am sorry' does not take it away, EVER.
Unfortunately, I got a a point in my marriage where I feared for my safety, my life and my kids future. I wish I had never let it get to that point, but I did and I know there was a reason for it. My strength has increased ten-fold since then and I am thankful every single day for my family and friends for being a major source of my strength, because in the beginning it was hard not to go back, still letting him have financial and emotional control over me was draining.
I still fear for my safety, ultimately because he is non-complaint with his probation for assulting me and well because he has proven himself to be very unpredictible. Still when I hear noises at night I jump and pray it is nothing, which it always has been "nothing" thank God. Where there come a time when I am not scared, I don't know, but it is a work in progress to say the least.
Going back to work and being away from my kids and not getting as much free time with my friends and their kids has been challenging. Learning how to morph myself to be in more than one place at a time is challenging, but thankfully with the support of friends and family, a lot of slack has been picked up. I truly believe in the statement now "It takes a village to raise a child". I am forever indebted to them for their love and support.
I wish my children's fathers realized what they are missing with two incredible children that never fail to put a smile on my face, and are my reason for living. Maybe one day prorities will change and they will realize that they are hurting our babies, NOT ME, by acting like children themselves, but only time will tell.
Today I am happy, thankful and most of all safe. Those are all variables that could change at any given moment, but I will continue to take the necessary steps every day to ensure our happiness and future.
I got a phone call a couple weeks ago from a family member. She asked me if she could give my phone number to a friend of hers from church because she was in a difficult situation, and needed guidance and strength. She also wanted to know what she could say to help her friend, and sadly I had to be brutally honest, and that honesty is, she will not leave until she is ready too.
Looking back now I am amazed I stayed as long as I did, I endured so much physical and emotional pain thru my marriage that looking back now I could never imagine going back to those times. The problem is I held onto the good times, knowing there would be more and wanting to keep my family together. Now I know, I deserve so much more, and so do my babies. Disrespecting your spouse in the way that any abuser does, is unacceptable in any shape. 'I am sorry' does not take it away, EVER.
Unfortunately, I got a a point in my marriage where I feared for my safety, my life and my kids future. I wish I had never let it get to that point, but I did and I know there was a reason for it. My strength has increased ten-fold since then and I am thankful every single day for my family and friends for being a major source of my strength, because in the beginning it was hard not to go back, still letting him have financial and emotional control over me was draining.
I still fear for my safety, ultimately because he is non-complaint with his probation for assulting me and well because he has proven himself to be very unpredictible. Still when I hear noises at night I jump and pray it is nothing, which it always has been "nothing" thank God. Where there come a time when I am not scared, I don't know, but it is a work in progress to say the least.
Going back to work and being away from my kids and not getting as much free time with my friends and their kids has been challenging. Learning how to morph myself to be in more than one place at a time is challenging, but thankfully with the support of friends and family, a lot of slack has been picked up. I truly believe in the statement now "It takes a village to raise a child". I am forever indebted to them for their love and support.
I wish my children's fathers realized what they are missing with two incredible children that never fail to put a smile on my face, and are my reason for living. Maybe one day prorities will change and they will realize that they are hurting our babies, NOT ME, by acting like children themselves, but only time will tell.
Today I am happy, thankful and most of all safe. Those are all variables that could change at any given moment, but I will continue to take the necessary steps every day to ensure our happiness and future.
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