I didn't listen for a reason

A lot of red flags went up fast with him, but I was blinded.  I fell hard and I fell fast.  A big reason I left my boyfriend before him was, well his family was crazy (haha), no really I did not get along with his sister AT ALL, and I was ready to get married and start a family. And I was single for about a year before we got together.  So I think I was letting that fuel my fire with Jim.  He had Austin, I had Breauna, it was like instant family in a way so I ignored the fact that he was so disrespectful to me with the Facebook comments and text messages to other women insinuating he would cheat on me.  I fought with him over the naked pictures I would find in his cell phone that I knew for a fact were never sent to me, but I still hung on.  What I hung on to was our family, I hung on because I was committed and I hung on to his apologies.

 

I should have walked away, but I didn't and even after all the verbal and physical abuse I took, I am glad I didn't because I am stronger now than I ever have been before.  I have 2 beautiful children and even though I lost my step son through this divorce I pray one day when he is old enough he will find me and he will know how much I love him. 

 

I still look over my shoulder every day, there are nights I cry myself to sleep because I am afraid he is still so enraged I put him in jail (in fact I know he is enraged), but I have to protect myself and my kids.  There was a time I was afraid to put Christian in his car seat and have my back to the road.  Never before have I been that fearful, ever and I never will be that fearful again.

 

Through all this my daughter has suffered a lot.  She looked up to Jim as her father.  She will now grow up with a huge hole in her life and I am to blame, this rips my soul to shreds.  So to any woman reading this I beg you please do not stay because it is best for the kids, IT'S NOT! 

 

I am so scared my daughter will let a man hurt her because she witnessed it happening to me and there were times he was so enraged I could not stop him from hurting her either.  Hearing her running up the stairs screaming "Stop hurting my mommy" are words I will never forget and she had many sleepless nights worrying about me, and scared about when he was going to come home from work.  Everyone told me to get out, I just didn't know how, or when and I had to reach "my breaking point".  But to be honest with you, my breaking point could have cost me my life, I waited for it to get that bad.  

 

Now I wait, I wait for the divorce to be final, I wait for the right man to love me in the way I deserve to be loved.  It will take a special person to put up with all the hell I will put on them because all the hell I have been put through, but settling is not an option for me, happiness is.  He will have to love me at my best, dry my tears (there will be many), and enjoy the greatest of times (there will be many more).  My future is bright, my past is my strength and my present I am thankful for.  

I almost forgot about the good times

This weekend I went away on a camping trip with my family.  On the Friday night my niece and I took showers and she wanted someone to brush her hair, so I told her I would do it.  We were up in the bathrooms and I started brushing it and she was telling me how good it felt and how she loved when she had her hair brushed.  I told her it was my favorite thing too, it is so relaxing.  Then, she reminded me of something that brought tears to my eyes.  She looked at me in the mirror and said "Aunt Julie remember when Jimmy used to always love to brush your hair for you when you took a shower?"  I had forgotten about that.  She was so right, he would always be waiting for me when I got out of the shower, sitting on the edge of our bed, brush in hand and he would gently brush my hair every night.  Those were the times he would show true affection towards me, those were times I knew why I loved him.

Those little things that he used to do for me, before his words became harsh and his fists became hard, are the little things I want to take away and hope to find again some day.  I won't ever settle for less than what I deserve because I know what I have to offer is hard to come by.  All I ever wanted was to be a wife & lover to my husband, a mother & friend to my kids and go to bed every night knowing & feeling in my heart I am safe in the arms of the man I will devote myself too & he is equally devoted. 

I remember there were good times, it is hard to dig deep and find them amongst all the scars.  The sad reality of my situation is, abuse made me stronger.

I fell in love

He was a Dad....a great Dad, he loved his boys like nothing I had ever seen. 

I remember the first time I met Austin, he was a little over 2 years old.  He did circles around me for about 10 minutes, never taking his eyes off me.  He was so adorable, with that curly mop and those big brown eyes.  That lil guy stole my heart.  There were some issues going on with Austin's Mom and Jim had him a lot of the time and he was a natural.  He was like a big kid with him, almost like a gentle giant.

I was working a full time job and a part time waitress job at nights and on the weekends, so Jim moved in with me to help me with Breauna, since he was not working.  Looking back, it was way too soon, but as they say Love is Blind.  He was spending almost every night with me anyways, so what was the difference?

Sure he had a past, but who doesn't?  We ALL make mistakes, learning from them is what is important.  He was a wonderful father, very attentive to my needs and said all the right things.  I was the luckiest girl alive.

It only took about a week

That's all it took, about a week for it to come out that he was "dating" me and someone else at the same time. Sure, I was broken hearted, I had feelings for him, we had been talking for a llllooonnng time and I was being lied too. I felt betrayed, like I was being cheated on in a sense. Sure we had not made anything "official" yet, but if I ask you a question and you flat out lie to me, what else am I supposed to think?

Come to find out, this "other" girl, or child shall I call her, since she was ONLY 19 years old, was part of an escort service. Apparently, she just posed as a "date" for guys, but come on, who are we fooling here. See I am a no nonsense kind of person, and I was pissed, I was beyond pissed. I did not talk to him for probably a good 2 to 3 weeks. I have no problem finding someone to date, I can move on to the next person, no problem. The problem is, I had feelings for HIM.

I finally broke down and took his call after a few weeks, it was right before Christmas. He told me that he wanted to be with me, and not with this other girl. So we went out and I remember going back to his house....ahem correction, his parents house because that is where he was living, and his dad approaced him as we were walking in. He pulled him aside and I could kind of hear the conversation that was going on, it was tense. What I got from it was this "other" girl had called while we were out and it made his dad very uncomfortable having to make an excuse for him and he needed to make a choice. So when he came back in the room I told him to call her...that second. He didn't want too because his oldest son was in the room with us and that put him in an awkward position, so I told him to call or I walk. He called, I listened to him tell her everything. She was screaming at him as any child would, and the conversation was over.

I remember going home that night feeling bad for her, and uneasy about our future. I knew it was not a good foot to start off on, but I already had such strong feelings for him, something told me it would be okay. He had this way with words to keep me hanging on.

November 22, 2006~The First Date

We had talked online since June of that year. He seemed perfect. I would wait to see his screen name pop up so we could chat. I hung on to his every word, he was the man of my dreams.

It was the night before Thanksgiving, the biggest bar night of the year. We had in fact had plans to go out the weekend before, but he came down with a terrible flu bug and he had to cancel. Of course my "girl brain" told me that he had something else going on. I learned later that he was really sick that weekend (maybe one of the only truths I ever got).

I picked him up, yes I know not the "normal" thing to do,and red flags should have gone off, but they didn't. He did not have his drivers license, or a job, but I always look for the good in someone and I saw the good in him. (There is good there).

We had an instant connection. We went to The Rhino, a little hole in the wall bar in my town and we danced all night. I even took him to Thanksgiving Dinner the next day to meet my family. We were inseparable from that point on.

Looking Back

This will be a work in progress and I hope you can all keep up.  This will be emotional at times, and I first want to thank my wonderful Sister Theresa & her boyfriend Dave for helping me through what have been the most difficult months of my entire life.  If it were not for them, my children and I would not have had a roof over our heads or food on the table.  I can never ever repay them.  I also need to thank my father and step mother for their help in helping me regain some financial stability again, because again, I could not have done any of this without them.  My mother, even though she is miles and miles away, I can feel her presence.  I know I give you a hard time and I want you here more than ever, but I hope you know that I appreciate everything you have done for me.  I could not ask for a better family or support system. 

I also need to take a second to thank my best friend Andrea.  I think God may have hand picked her as a second sister for me.  Her and I have grown so close, and who gets the honor to share the birth of their baby boys on the same day?  I have to tell you girl, you are truly a blessing in my life and when I think about what I want out of a relationship, for a husband, for my life, you have set a great example for me.  You have a great husband, you are an amazing friend and an exceptional mother.  I can count on one hand who my closest friends are, and mostn I have had more than half my life, for us to meet as adults and become such great friends and remain great friends, I am honored.  You are always my first call when I need to cry, I know I can just let it all out and you will just listen to me, no judgements, no harsh words, just your ear.  I love you, Thank  you.