I think A LOT!
Thoughts swirl through my mind so often, they wake me at night and I can't fall back asleep, but my BIG thinking spot has always been the shower. Maybe it's the sound of the water, or the comfort of the heat, but I could stay in there for hours and just think. So naturally while showering last night, I got to thinking, a lot of thoughts were random, but I have one major topic to discuss today, Helping Others.
My ex (GOD it feels good to call him that) is still "paying" for what he did to me, I believe that he still believes all he did that morning was break my cell phone. I think that he has tricked his mind into believing that he truly did not hit me, but in his heart, he knows, and he will always know. I pray one day he will be man enough to admit it, and then HIS true path to recovery can begin, but not until then. Believe me I KNOW I am not perfect, I said some hurtful things to him, some things I wish I could take back. It is crazy how abusers become perfectionists in the area of reverse psychology, making us believe that some how, some way, if I did not say that one thing the way I said it, if I did not do that one thing the way I did it, then HE never would have had to say the derogatory things he said or hit me. At some point, I became stronger than him, in so many ways, and that is when I was able to say enough is enough.
Yesterday I got a call from the Victim Advocate in the county where he is serving his probation, taking classes, or whatever it is he has to do to "redeem" himself for "breaking my phone". She asked how I was doing, and I actually had a little time to reflect back over the past year and a half. If you would have asked me then, would I be here now, divorced, single mother, struggling, but HAPPY, I would have never imagined it. I am happier now than I have been in, well maybe ever. We struggle week to week, I still have not taken Brea shopping for school clothes yet because I just don't have the extra money right now, but I will take THESE struggles, over THOSE struggles any day.
So my point today is this, if I have come this far, anyone can, and this blog is just the tip of the iceberg for me, I got to thinking after talking with the Victim Advocate that there has to be a way I can reach out farther, because I still have so many stories to share, and share them I will, here, there and everywhere I can. I think it is time for me to do some research, I feel like I need to help, I wish I could help by taking everyone in and helping them, and maybe one day I can have a safe house, that would be amazing, but for now, I need to share my story.
