I have been slacking with keeping this up, but I will try to be a little more loyal to my blog, because I know my story is important and I know that it will help. Finding the time as a single mother with 2 busy children is difficult at times to say the least.
I got a phone call a couple weeks ago from a family member. She asked me if she could give my phone number to a friend of hers from church because she was in a difficult situation, and needed guidance and strength. She also wanted to know what she could say to help her friend, and sadly I had to be brutally honest, and that honesty is, she will not leave until she is ready too.
Looking back now I am amazed I stayed as long as I did, I endured so much physical and emotional pain thru my marriage that looking back now I could never imagine going back to those times. The problem is I held onto the good times, knowing there would be more and wanting to keep my family together. Now I know, I deserve so much more, and so do my babies. Disrespecting your spouse in the way that any abuser does, is unacceptable in any shape. 'I am sorry' does not take it away, EVER.
Unfortunately, I got a a point in my marriage where I feared for my safety, my life and my kids future. I wish I had never let it get to that point, but I did and I know there was a reason for it. My strength has increased ten-fold since then and I am thankful every single day for my family and friends for being a major source of my strength, because in the beginning it was hard not to go back, still letting him have financial and emotional control over me was draining.
I still fear for my safety, ultimately because he is non-complaint with his probation for assulting me and well because he has proven himself to be very unpredictible. Still when I hear noises at night I jump and pray it is nothing, which it always has been "nothing" thank God. Where there come a time when I am not scared, I don't know, but it is a work in progress to say the least.
Going back to work and being away from my kids and not getting as much free time with my friends and their kids has been challenging. Learning how to morph myself to be in more than one place at a time is challenging, but thankfully with the support of friends and family, a lot of slack has been picked up. I truly believe in the statement now "It takes a village to raise a child". I am forever indebted to them for their love and support.
I wish my children's fathers realized what they are missing with two incredible children that never fail to put a smile on my face, and are my reason for living. Maybe one day prorities will change and they will realize that they are hurting our babies, NOT ME, by acting like children themselves, but only time will tell.
Today I am happy, thankful and most of all safe. Those are all variables that could change at any given moment, but I will continue to take the necessary steps every day to ensure our happiness and future.
